so i apologize to anyone who read the title of my blog and thought this would be in german. I can speak german, in fact my german is fairly good, but as i'm not fluent in it english is better. i promise i'll write a german blog at some point....so my friend ross got a girlfriend. it's not i'm not happy for him cuz i am but i don't know...i just feel like he's only dating her cuz she's interested. or maybe i'm being selfish. he's been my rossie for so long i don't want to share him with any one else....i quess what it really is is that everyone else seems to be so happy. laura has jeff and ross has brittany and dan has stephine and then there's sara and chris my brother and tiffany...everyone i know seems to be getting coupled off. and sometimes and i think what is wrong with me that i don't have that and yet at the same i think why would i want that. I have a great life. I'm going to Spain next semester, i have a wonderful family, i'm getting good grades but i also feel like maybe there's something in my life that is missing. i feel as if someone else has what i'm missing. And the weird thing is that i only feel that way sometimes. I can be so happy and then all of the sudden be so sad. i'm hoping this happens to other people as well...i quess what i'm really sad about is that i'm moving on with my life. and i think that means leaving those people that i thought would always be life behind. I want different things now then what i thought i wanted. And i can't continue to pretend that those people who were my friends will still be my friends. I know that i can't talk to zach marvel any more. I wanted him so much and for all the wrong reasons. But i'm okay with that now. Just like i'm okay with the fact that dan and i aren't friends. He has somebody to make him very very happy. The only three people i can't lose are sara ross and laura. I know me and sara and laura are okay but i'm worried about me and ross. I think i love ross actually i know i do and i can't lose him. I just can't. He has been my rock for so long. And i'm so sorry that i never told him that or that i can't be with him like wants. I do love ross but i'm so afraid of what that means. cuz i won't stay in evansville for him not for anybody. I know that ross and i could be really happy but i just i want that feeling where you know it's right. Where you know deep in your gut you belong with somebody. I thought that i had that with zach and i threw it away because i was stupid and scared and navie. so much for me being okay with it...i'm just scared to grow up. because growing up means that i'm no longer allowed to make stupid mistakes. it means that i have to let go or people and of dreams that are never going to happen. John Bryan will never walk into my life again and apologize. And i'm so angry about that. It's not that i need him to say he loves me or even pretend that he cares it's that i need him to see that he hurt me. I need to forgive him i know but it's so hard for me....i want to stop being this person. this insecure neroutic person who downs herself all the time....i'm sick of me. just fed up with being lazy and insecure and just silly. I'm going to change that. I know that i can....i just needed to admit that those are all things about myself i want to change...okay done venting now i need to figure out what to do about my problems.